All alone, trapped in my comfort zone,
Here where it’s secure, but I’m left wanting more,
For though I’m safe in my safe, there’s nothing left to explore,
And nothing can grow except for the fear
I’m beginning to feel about escaping from here.
With “what ifs?” rattling around in my head,
Fidgety fingers, a feeling of dread,
That lurks in the pit of my stomach
(Though I try hard to push it away),
I’m using every distraction to keep my misery at bay.
Reluctant to acknowledge my inability
To unlock the potential deep within me,
I repeat the same old patterns; they produce the same old results:
Familiar, comforting, yet so unfulfilling
I can’t be content with the time I’ve spent killing
An hour here, an hour there,
Searching for what's missing, though I don't know where
To find it - I try online, then sigh in despair
At the endless "happy" hashtags accompanied
By glossy, touched-up photos that jump out at me,
As I scroll, dead-eyed, through my Instagram newsfeed.
Between attempts at filling the void with mind-numbing shows,
And cursing myself for being afraid of what I don’t know,
I’m either treating myself, or beating myself, both undeservedly,
Which I know is hurting me, as I’m capable of more -
All it takes is a leap of faith as I walk through that door
And venture into a space I’ve never been before.
Milly D. is a member of AA and a very talented blogger and poet currently living in Germany. You can check out her work on this blog soon or her personal blog, www.rapsaboutrecovery.wordpress.com.