Love in Sobriety 💗

Love can mean different things to different people. For some people, love is how they live their lives whereas for others, it only pertains to romantic relationships. Whatever way you describe it, love is a part of all of our lives. For many of us who had issues with drugs and alcohol, we watched love slip away. When we use or drink, love becomes something far gone from us or something we become numb to. In sobriety, every single part of our lives change, including how we feel and express love.

Here are five ways love is different in sobriety:

1 - Love is a completely different concept than what I thought it used to be💗

For many years during my drinking and drugging, I was not necessarily repelled by love but rather, continuously got into toxic relationships that I thought were love. I had been disrespected many times but continued to crave male attention even if I would get hurt again. I loved the idea of being in love but never actually knew what love was. I also was not capable of truly loving - giving or receiving it during my drinking and using. I used alcohol and drugs to numb my feelings and I was never giving my best in a relationship. Today as a person in recovery, I am finally able to give and receive love, stay present, and show up for my partner and friends.

2 - Love is a strength not a weakness💗

I used to think of love as a weakness, as something that just caused pain or showed sensitivity in me. I never thought of it as a strength, as something that’s hard to do in a lot of situations, or something that all people deserve. I remember a conversation I had with my best friend where I called her telling her how much I hated a certain person and she said, “No you don’t. The easy thing to do is to hate people all the time but when are you going to learn how to do the hard thing?” That has stuck with me to this day. It’s honorable to put your heart out there and show people what kindness and love feels like. Even when it’s hard and even during times when I feel hurt, giving out of love in my sobriety has always felt like a strength, not a weakness.

3 - Love is also something for yourself💗

A concept I didn’t understand during active addiction was self-love. I had no idea that self-love is a necessary act, for anyone, but especially for those of us in recovery. Lack of self-love and low self-esteem in my life fueled my drinking and destructive behavior. After getting sober I learned self-love is essential to living a healthy and balanced life. Today my love for myself helps keep me motivated and to make better decisions for my life. Love isn’t something that just needs to be practiced in relationships with others, but it’s crucial to have a relationship with yourself.

4 - Communication is key in relationships💗

Communicating love can be difficult. Think about it - if everyone with a substance use disorder goes around numb all the time, unable to give or receive love at their best, the communication in their relationships will suffer. This was the case for me not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships as well. I never cared about communicating when I was drinking. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and my feelings were more important than anyone else’s. If someone didn’t understand me, that was their problem. In sobriety I’ve learned communication is key if you want to have a fulfilling connection. I’ve also learned that just because we’re sober and we want to have open lines of communication, doesn’t mean other people will be able to give us that. Being able to let go of expectations and meet people where they are, are two other key things to healthy relationships.

5 - Love is different for everyone💗

Love never had a true meaning to me in active addiction. I was in abusive relationships and tolerated certain behaviors from men that me today would never tolerate. I thought the chaos, the push and pull, and the “I hate you but I love you” in relationships was love. With this being said, the abusive relationships I was in were not “love” but they were my concept of love at the time. In sobriety I learned that love looks different to everyone. People have different love languages, different concepts of what they do and do not require of their partners, what they look for in what they consider to be a compatible human being, and what they consider to be a healthy marriage or partnership. It’s never for me to decide what love is to someone else or for someone else. I remember how many people judged me and were astounded by one of the abusive relationships I stayed in for a while. I always got upset by this and have come to terms with a lot of things from that time in my life but it was my concept of love at the time, not other people’s. No one should have to experience a relationship like that but I was doing what I thought was good at the time. I only know what I require in my relationships and from my partner. I know what friendships fill me up and make me a better person and those that do not.

What I’ve come to realize is that everything is a learning process in sobriety, including how to love and interact with others. With Valentine’s day just two days away, let’s be grateful that our relationships with love can change and evolve, thanks to sobriety.

💗💗💗